“Come on we are just going to dinner it’s not going to kill you,” Darcy pleaded to me while blocking my view of Sports Center with his body.
“Are your parent’s glass makers ? “ I asked him.
“Slate, I mean it. We are more than a support group, you need friends we all need friends.”
“First of all,” I said getting off the couch and walking towards him, “I don’t need friends and second of all I’m going to kick your ass.”
I reached for the collar of his shirt but he had already taken off, I chased him as he went around the couch and into the open kitchen, he headed out the kitchen over the recliner and was heading for the closet but I beat him to it and tackled him to the ground.
“Now, leave me alone,” I said throwing him into a headlock.
Of course I had been roughing housing as Aunt Nina would call it with Darcy for a few years now and I knew he wouldn’t stop there. He started kicking and I knew where he was aiming I was about to pin him down with my other knee when I heard the doorbell.
“Truce ?” I asked.
“Truce.”
“And this better be my pad thai.” I said as I headed for the door “and not one of your lame ass friends.”
“The term is brothers, cousin,” Darcy corrected me.
Lucky for him it was Alak, the delivery boy from Palm Thai.
“Hi, Mr. Bennet,” he greeted me
I took out a ten and took the food from him.
“Is Darcy here ? ,” Alak leaned over my shoulder and saw Darcy walking up to the door.
“Hi, Darcy”, Alak started, “You look –“
Before he could finish I shut the door.
“That was rude.” Darcy said
“I gave him a 4 dollar tip.” I said.
I could feel Darcy’s eyes on me getting ready for a conversation so, I went to my room and shut the door behind me. I sat on the floor and was about to eat when I heard the door open behind me. We should have invested in locks.
“Why won’t you leave me alone ?” I asked him, frustrated
“You know why.”
“You look good now but, . . .”
“You look good to but, just leave me alone.” I was done being mean and tried for sincere, “I’m just need some alone time you know.”
Darcy understood and left. He was a sentimental guy.
I knew why he was worried, everyone worried about me. That’s the one Bennett trait I didn’t get. But they had every reason to.
I was HIV positive after all. Not that anyone beside Darcy knew it.
But, I’m not like Darcy who came home smiling even after his first round of chemotherapy. This disease was my fault.
I hadn’t come to New York City to start a new life I came to run from another one. Long after the other kids in my high school stopped experimenting with drugs I was still on them, they made me feel good, free of pressure. I spent so much time getting high I had no idea who I was or how to have fun without them. They also made me make reckless decisions some that have come back to haunt me. I hated my parents for kicking me out but, in retrospect it was one of the best things they ever did for me. And him. Mayors can’t win races with a son like me.
***
My heart stopped for a second when I saw a flash of blood on the chain. Should I wipe it off? Is it poison? I
“Wanna go in, now ?,” Lila asked.
I was still standing looking over the tiny blood stain.
“Are you okay ?” she asked.
“Yeah, I just cut my hand on the chain . . . it’s just a little cut”
I didn’t want to alarm her so, I wiped up the blood with my glove , finished chaining up my Vespa LXV 150 and followed her inside of Bennett’s. On the way in I caught a glimpse of Elias sitting at a table but, I quickly turned my head playfully grabbed Lila’s shoulders and steered her towards the booth in the back of the restaurant.
“ Thanks for coming to pick me up,” she said, “ I guess I’m still not used to all the streets and the subway . . . I’m working on it.”
“That’s what family is for, right ?,” I said, “How is school, going ?”
“It’s great. I love college.” Lila answered and smiled. She was one of the girls, well I guess women now who always smiled no matter how they felt.
I smiled back at her. Lila was probably the only Bennet I’d feign being half way decent too. I remember when we were little she would always follow Darcy, Noah and I around and as she got older she was always able to keep up with us. But, despite our bad influence she was a good kid. I felt bad keeping this secret from her, from everyone really but, there is no way to start this conversation.
“So, are there any guys I need to know about ?” I asked her.
“No, not really,” she laughed, “ Are there any girls I should know about ?”
I shook my head.
There weren’t any at this moment but, I suddenly realized I had a terrible confession to make.
***
“YOU SON OF A BITCH ! , “ Emily screamed at me her voice breaking, like she was about to cry.
She threw the Macy’s bag she was holding in my direction and collapsed on to her couch putting her face in her hands. Her bag just barely missed me as jewelry and 2 shoe boxes sprawled onto her floor. I went to go pick it up.
“Get the hell away from my stuff !”, she yelled.
“Okay, I’m just going to go ahead and go.” I said, inching to the door.
“No, I want to know everything. How did this happen ?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Oh, really ?”
“Listen, you don’t even know if you have it.”
“And if I do ?”
“Sucks for us then.” I said.
“That’s not funny , Slate !” she said getting angry again.
I knew there was no good coming from us having a conversation and I could already see the mascara running down her eyes. I walked towards the door.
“Don’t you dare, leave you jackass !” She screamed , “ I want answers !”
I opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind me.
“SLATE!” I heard her scream. I heard a thud of what was probably the shoe she was wearing hitting the door.
I stood at the door, but I couldn’t go to the elevator. This wasn’t Emily overacting because I bailed on her, looked at one of her friends the wrong way or spilled beer on her couch. This was important, this was kind of a big deal. Against my usual instinct I turned back around and went back inside the apartment.
She was sitting on her couch wiping her eyes and staring at the door. I walked over and sat next to her. I could tell she was surprised I’d come back, I usually don’t. I put my arm around her and let my head fall until it was resting on top of hers. I expected her to push me away or throw another curse word at me but, she didn’t.
“I’m . . . sorry.” I said.
She let out a laugh and a smile .
“That’s the first time I have ever heard you say that.” She said.
We sat there and it seemed like as the moments ticked away so did the tension.
“So, how many girls have you had this conversation with ?”
“One down 24 more to go.” I joked.
She didn’t find it funny.
“So, um, how do I get tested ?” She asked.
“You just go to the clinic . . . it’s a blood test. It takes a while to get back.”
“How did you know to get tested?”
I ran my hand through my hair, a tell I have had since I was kid that meant I was about to admit something.
“My cousin-”
“Darcy ? How is he ?”
“He’s, well he is sick and –“
“Oh, no, Poor thing he was so sweet unlike, . . .”
“Yeah. Well anyway he needed a match for something and that’s when the doctors told me. “
“How did you get it ?”
“ I don’t know . . . for all I know I could have gotten it from you.”
“What the hell, Slate ?.”
She was getting angry again.
“Well, hey I don’t know –“
“Here is something you do know, I was a virgin when we got together !”she yelled. “ And here is something you should know . . . you were so messed up back then ! I mean, God I’m surprised you aren’t dead yet. All those needles, all those guys, all those parties, I mean come on ! Are you really denying that this wasn’t from all that crap you did ? And you want to blame it on me. I trusted you I told you to get tested for everything but, you didn’t did you ? You were-- no wait – you are such a selfish son of a bitch.”
“Obviously you found that attractive.”
“ You know what I found attractive ? How you never cared what anyone thought of you, how you were so emotionless, how you were never afraid of anything or anyone. You were everything I could never even think of being and that fascinated me so much. . . Now I see those are the things that got us in this predicament. “
“Emily.” That was all I could say, I couldn’t think of anything else. She was right but, I would be dammed if I told her.
“You need help, Slate,” She said, “I hope this is a wake up call for you and I would appreciate it if you just left. Aand if you have any other fatal STD to give me just call, okay ?”
I wanted to know if she was positive or not. I wanted to go with her to the clinic, I wanted to be there for her again,but, I couldn’t tell her these feelings. I’d never been able to. I went to my default setting and headed for the door, giving her an obscene hand gesture the whole way out.
I ran down the stairs instead of waiting by the elevator because I didn’t want either of us to have a second chance to change our minds.
I got out of the apartment building and headed for the train. It was going to be a long ride back to the city.
Emily had been the first girl I had ever really loved. I of course hadn’t told her that.
She had won the Ms. Port Republic not only for her killer smile (and legs) but, also for her selfless work with the local veteran’s hospital. One of her prizes was dinner for her and her family with the mayor and his family. We were both 16 and spent most of the night talking about our plans for the future. That night I had planned to sneak out early and meet Ray and score some pot, maybe go to a party but, I spent the entire night at home talking to her.
We stayed in contact after that, she picked me up when I was too wasted to go home, we would always tease each other when our high schools played against each other. When I moved in with Aunt Nina that next year I kept up with Emily but, she was always busy. She went to Syracuse for college while, I drifted from trade school to trade school. Our communication had only been the occasional text message or Myspace comment.
When Emily moved to the New Jersey, I was worse than I had been. It was during the part of my life where I left Aunt Nina’s and was living on the street. I was being more reckless than I thought possible. I followed random people into dark places. I shot, smoked or sniffed whatever anyone put in front of me. Somehow I cleaned myself up enough to spend the day with her, helping her move in and I somehow ended up staying the night. That night it was like we had never been apart and we talked all night again, there was this weird vibrant connection between us. The next week we kissed
Emily had been perfect but, I dragged her down. I called on her to bail me out of jail more times than I can remember, begged her help me pay my infinite parking tickets, left so much of my crap at her apartment she herself could have been arrested.
Somehow though I got myself cleaned up, found a bike messaging gig but, I still owed her so much money and we fought about it constantly.
We broke up.
A month later I went to her apartment to tell her she may have contracted HIV from me.
We’d been stupid. We trusted each other to much to use protection. She had been on the pill but, I guess we hadn’t thought of everything.
The train lurched into the city and I walked to my Vespa, 2 blocks away. I realized I was angry at myself for what I did to Emily. She was wrong though I did have regrets and I did have feelings I just only felt them for her.
I knew I wanted her back but, she was too smart to take me back. I only did wrong to her. She was right though, I needed to change. I walked past my Vespa and headed 3 blocks down the street to the building I had been avoiding the whole time.
***
I punched in the 4 zero’s on the automated pad and the door clicked open. My year as a bike messanger taught me that there is always somebody who uses that code. I took the stairs to the 4th floor and came face to face with a large door. I twisted the lock and felt it give. I was nervous, who knew what I was going to say. I leaned my head against the door and could hear muffled conversation.
“I was just freaked out, the whole place was so intimidating. I mean I tried to tell myself it was better than dying, to find the happy place but,-- I don’t know I just wanted to run.”
It was Darcy. I had never heard him talk about being scared. I knew it was mostly because he never wanted anyone worrying about him. I wonder where we get that from.
I heard the muffled sounds of Nick’s small voice telling him something and then I heard laughter.
I didn’t know if going in there was going to help or make me
better for Emily but, I sure as hell had to try. I took a breath and pulled
open the door.
