Me,  Elias, Darcy, Slate. No. Darcy, Me, Slate then  Elias. No. Me, Slate,Darcy, Elias. No. Stop.

I couldn’t believe I was doing that again. I was being like Darcy, living inside my head.

On the outside we probably looked like a a regular group of friends eating out on a Friday night.  I mean yeah sure we probably looked like a cladenstine group but, we were more than that. We were more than friends and we were more than how we appeared on the outside.

There was Darcy  picking at a his pizza, which he called the ultimate paradox : White Pizza with  bacon and Spinach. He was smiling like someone had just told him a joke but, no one had said anything in 2 minutes.  I wasn’t surprised because Darcy always looks like he is in a good mood. I think most of it comes from the endless reel of thoughts going through his head.

Elias was eating his half naked salad self-consiously. I’m sure he was over thinking  each bite as if everyone in the restaurant was looking at him. In the 5 seconds I spent watching him he had adjusted his tie 3 times. I could see him turning to look at me but, I turned away. I knew if I even smiled in his direction it would make him more embarrassed.

Slate, Slate, Slate. Slate was drinking a Samuel Adams and looking out the window , with that “I’m too bored to be here with these losers” stare. He also had a distressed look on his face. He always looks distressed, like the world is betraying him. Poor thing.

And then there was me. I don’t know how I look from the outside but, I’m just glad to be around these guys, they’ve helped me laugh when I didn’t think it was possible.

And here I was trying to put us in the order of how we will die.

***

“Do you want a magazine, maybe ?!,” Mother yelled to me from  downstairs, “I have 4 copies of Entertainment Weekl-“

“No, mother I don’t think so !,” I called back down to her.

I looked back down at my worn out Ridgeway High School bag. I had packed  The Breakfast Club DVD,  an X-men Legacy, Nintendo DS and a  few textbooks. I heard my phone sing and looked at the text message from Darcy.

"B, there in 5."

I walked downstairs to say good bye to mother.

She was sitting with her legs draped over the couch staring at some old fashioned movie, most of us flipped past. She had her mountains white-blonde hair pulled into a complicated bun and was wearing a bright green sundress, with her matching flip flops. She looked like she was going out but, I knew she was in for the day.

“I’m leaving now, mother. Darcy, will be here for me soon, okay ?”

“Oh, no. Come on sit with me, hon. We can watch this movie it’s so romantic.”

“I have to go, besides I don’t go for the old fashioned movies.”

“Oh, Nicholas this is An Affair to Remember, it’s a classic. It has Cary Grant, he sure was a good looking man,” she smiled.

The television cut to a commercial for denture cream and she turned to me for the first time.

“Oh, sweetie is that what you’re wearing  ? And, really your taking that ?” She asked

I was wearing an old  beige cotton t-shirts that was a few sizes to small and barely covered my midriff and a pair of grey sweatpants  that had also seen their day. It was cold outside so I planned to put a hoodie over my thin  shirt. It wasn't the most impressive outfit but, I wanted to be comfortable.

The that was directed a Wishy, better known as Wish-Bear – the turquoise Care Bear with a shooting star tummy—who I got as a 5th birthday gift. I remember I wished my dad would be home from work for my party and as soon as I wished it dad came home. I've kept Wishy close since then.

“Yes, I am,” I said. I kissed her on the cheek and headed upstairs.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come ?”

“No, mother it’s freezing. Darcy will take me.”

As if on cue the doorbell rang and I headed to the door. I wanted to tell her good bye again but, I didn’t want to make a big deal over this.

I opened the door to Darcy’s goofy smile. He was wearing an identical blue and white Yankees head cap as me.

“Let’s go,” I said and headed out the door.

We headed down the street to to the subway stop. The hospital was a long way from Brooklyn.

“How’s your mom ?," Darcy asked

“She’s good.”  I said, “I don’t think she gets everything but. . . “

“Hey, it’s  okay. It’s good you take care of her.”

I was a horrible stereotype or archetype I can never remember which one. I lived with my mother, I wore my clothes fitted and I cried a lot, especially lately. I was the quintessential gay man.

But, I had my reasons. Life had taken some unexpected turns and changes I'm still not ready for.

8 years ago dad died at the age of 56.

2 years Mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s she was , 64. I was only 17 and living at college at the time but, being the youngest it was easier for me to drop everything and move back home and be a commuter student.

My 6 older siblings sent money and everything but,  it was hard sometimes.  3 months ago I was told I had a brain tumor. After I was finally able to wrap my head around tumor I was told it was Brain Cancer. I always though Brain Tumor sounded scarier than Cancer but, with tumor there is still a chance it’s bengign.

We had so many medical terms thrown at us, mother barely kept up. She stayed with me during the first surgery but, it had been hard on her. I imagine she thought I looked dead with all my hair cut off and under the anesthetics. My hair had been nearly to my shoulders too. I can only imagine because I was drowsy from everything I barely remember it.

That’s why I had Darcy take me to my first radiation session. He had been through something similar before and he was a comfort to me. I didn’t need mother seeing me like that again.

“What’s with the bear ?,” Darcy asked, jokingly, poking, Wishy in his head (he got his soft spot too)

“Have you not met ?” I asked. “ Wishy, Darcy. Darcy, Wishy.”

“You brought a toy ?.” he said

“Hey-hey, he’s a stuffed animal,” I warned, “and if you continue to make fun of him he’ll get his pals and give you the care bear stare.”

“I think Slate needs it more than I do,” Darcy joked, “Can you imagine ?”

We both started laughing at the though. I bet no one on that train would have thought we were on our way to a hospital for a radiation session.

Slate. I liked him. I had never crushed so hard over a guy in my life. But, he was out of my range in so many ways. I shook the thought away.

The laughter died and I leaned into Darcy’s ear.

“I’m scared.” I whispered to him.

“You have nothing to be afraid of,” Darcy assured me.

“Yes, I do. Of everything from the needle, having radiation in me, to wearing a hospital gown or using a bedpan.”

“You’ll be fine. I mean come on your sitting on a New York city subway carrying a teddy bear.”

“Hey—he’s a Care Bear.” I corrected, emphasizing the care part.

I offered a smile but, I was still scared.