1.1
“I don’t know what this is but, I like it !” Darcy screamed and continued waving his arms frantically in the air, joining in with the mass of other arms already in the air.
“You like everything !,” Nicholas yelled back moving his hips up and down in perfect rhythm with the beats of the song.
The two of them started into crazy dance moves, trying to out do each other. One move even involved Darcy swinging his 12 inch bat over his head while doing the cabbage patch with his free arm while Nicholas went into a version of the robot only in fast motion, his long synthetic blonde hair flying everywhere.
Ironically enough, I felt like the idiot standing between.
“Come on, Eli ! Give us something to talk about tomorrow morning!” Darcy shouted to me
I just smiled, shaking my head and headed back to the bar to sit down, sipping on my warm seltzer water.
I turned my back to the bar and sat watching my two friends making 2 complete asses of themselves on the dance floor, one dressed as a baseball player and the other as a surprisingly good looking woman.
I smiled and dared to move my head to the catchy beat but, inside I was dying.
Well, not dying.
No.
Not dying.
I feel weird using that word now. What I meant was --I wasn’t dying exactly—it’s just my insides were churning and the only thing I could think about was the possibility of getting back home before November. Like Dracy or Nicholas were going to let that happen.
Suddenly I felt my hand cramp and before I could stop what it, the cup in my hands flipped backwards and on to the bar spilling the fizzy water and blinking plastic ice cubes all across the bar. I knew my face instantly flushed
“It’s okay,” said the bartender (or as he was playing tonight – nearly shirtless lumberjack) as he grabbed a rag from behind the bar and wiped the water up
“I’m so sorry, I—“ I began
“It’s okay, -- ,” he interrupted laughing “You know you’re not the first person to spill a drink at a bar, right ?”
I didn’t know if that comment warranted a laugh or an actual response so, I sat there for God knows how long trying to think of an answer. It felt like minutes but, it was probably a few seconds.
The bartender seemed to be laughing this whole thing off.
“Hey, so—what are you supposed to be anyway ?” he asked me.
“oh,well, I’m a elf,” I responded
“What ? ,” he called straining to hear me over the loud music
“An elf ! ” I said louder
“Well, where is your Christmas hat ?” he asked
I tried to think of a way to explain I wans’t that kind of elf. As if it wasn’t obvious.
“Different kind,” I said as I got up and headed back to the dance floor.
I had a hard enough time explaining why I was dressed in what looked like a version of army fatigues and pointy ears-- I did not want the next thing I had to explain was that I wasn’t gay either.
I got up and was about to make my second lap walking around the dance floor when I felt an grab mine. I looked to see Nick holding my arm and pulling me towards the middle of the dance floor.
“Close your eyes,” he whispered into me ear
I shook my head no but, he covered my eyes for me and then someone-- who I knew was Darcy-- took my arms and raised them over my head and moved them side to side with the music
“You need to dance while you still can,” Nicholas said putting his arms around my stomach so I was dancing with him.
I smiled and nodded, he was right. They were almost usually right.
I wanted to resist, but after a while I stopped thinking and closed my eyes and pretended like I was in my apartment alone and started to move on my own. I was feeling the constant thumpa thump of the music in my chest and pretty soon I was moving to the beat on my own.
I finally opened my eyes to see Darcy and Nick still dancing like idiots around me which helped me feel less self-conscious.
If I could just let all of my crazy neurotic inhibitions go this could be fun.
* * *
1.2
“Shouldn’t we change first ?” I suggested as we walked down the freezing streets of New York City trying to dodge all of the hung over people.
“Why ? We look awesome,” Darcy said as we reached Bennet’s . He opened the door and we headed to our usual booth.
It was easy for him to say.
I looked up at the oak clock in the back, it was just barely 7:30 in the morning.
“ Did you boys have fun ?” Sadie laughed , coming up to our table
“It was really awesome,” Nicholas told her, “One of my friends of a friends got us invited to this amazing party in this exclusive club in the Village—“
“We were there all night—we are coming from there right now--,” Darcy added
“Ah, yes” Sadie interrupted, “The dangers of Halloween falling on a Friday night.”
“What did you do ?” Nicholas asked
“ Well, Noah and I saw the Rocky Horror Picture show, which is all the Halloween fun I needed. Anyway, I’m sure your mom will be happy to know you guys made it out alive.” Sadie said giving Darcy a look.
“I’m making a note to get out of here before she comes by,” Darcy joked.
“So, did you guys want anything ?” she asked
“Anything with espresso and maybe some crepes,” Darcy ordered
“A latte and an omelet,” said Nick
“What about you Elias ?” she asked me
“Just plain coffee is fine,” I said
She mouthed an okay and flashed me a smile before walking off to the kitchen.
There was something about Sadie that always took me off guard. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t used to talking to women a lot—let alone beautiful women. Sadie had one of those full mouth 24 tooth smiles and the deepest brown eyes I had ever seen. It wasn’t beautiful on everybody but it was beautiful on her.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Sadie in anyway. I couldn’t—she was engaged to Darcy’s older brother Noah and all but, she was just one of the few women who I talked to on a regular basis.
Well, who wasn’t wearing scrubs anyway
Darcy and Nicholas were already caught up in some conversation about last night. Usually I felt like I was holding them back like dead weight but they never made me feel this way. They were the best friends I had never really had and had met by chance. We were laughing now but usually our conversations weren’t always as fun.
Our first conversations had been almost 2 months ago.
I had dropped a clients laptop on the ground, snapping it into two pieces and the only thing I could blame it on was a tingling sensation in my arm. I was sure I was going to get fired from Geek Squad that second but, the client was cool and I ended up paying for it out of my paycheck. The incident freaked me out and I had gone to the clinic where I was told I had well, that I had . . . it.
It totally shocked me and I became more distant than I had ever been.
Even in My World.
I was scared shitless and missed a week of work, it just felt like everything was crashing down on me, I couldn’t sleep I was thinking about all the things I may never do again. The diagnosis never left me, I was at rock bottom.
I went to my apartment locked my doors and closed my blinds and stayed on my couch googling everything about it, reading through every entry. I never wanted to leave the safe cocoon of my apartment.
I could have stayed that way forever but luckily Sean and Morgan came by for an unannounced visit and I told them everything.
It was Morgan who told me I should go and visit Dr. Shapiro, she was worried I was getting depressed. I went because I loved her and It was supposed to be a onetime thing but, when I told the other 2 guys in the group Dr. S had put me in about how I felt they understood. They didn’t make me feel bad for freaking out and for the first time since I heard those words, I laughed.
Darcy had just been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. At the time he was trying to understand more about the disease but still seemed so upbeat. I mean he had something that was like cancer but, he could easily make jokes and talked fondly about being diagnosed. Darcy was the type of guy who ignored me in high school. He was the smart, witty guy always paired with a straight man. Still, he had a lot of life in front of him he was only 24 and was starting a pretty successful graphic design company. If I were him I would be more upset if I thought my entire life could be over.
Nicholas at first came off as really quiet but once he and Darcy started talking to each other he completely opened up. Nick always struck me most-- had a brain tumor. He was youngest of the 3 of us, a kid still --he had just turned 21. Nick lived with his mother in Brooklyn who had early onset Alzheimer’s. You can’t tell from his love of the color pink, and his baby faced looks and the Care Bear he sometimes carried around but, Nick is strong and I mean really strong. He is the youngest of 5 and put his future on hold to be with his mother when his other siblings wouldn’t . He worked, took care of his mother, went to school and still found time to enjoy life like Darcy. And when he wasn’t serving frozen yogurt at Pinkberry he was always doing something new. Nicholas was the nicest guy I had ever met in my life. It really hurt me to think of the dangerous thing he had in his head.
And then there was me, I liked being around Darcy and Nick but, it wasn’t where I fit in . It just wasn’t My World. I’m not sure how they first saw me at our first meeting but, I was still adjusting to the how 2 letters could change my life forever.
MS at first it didn’t sound so bad but. I barely knew anything about it ,all I could think of was being in a wheel chair or something. I knew I needed to talk to a professional but, I had yet to see my doctors after the diagnosis. I knew Darcy had become best friends with his pharmacist (for other reasons) but, I was not sure I was ready for it.
I didn’t have much time to think about it when, Dr. S told us she could no longer fund the free group therapy. I was afraid I was losing a place where I could talk about my issues but, I had been far from the truth. Our bond proved to be strong and real enough that we made it work across 2 burrows and even a state.
Sadie came back to our and set down three steaming hot mugs in front of us. This time I made an attempt to look her in the eye and say something but, it was useless. She had already walked off to her other tables of late night partiers.This was so pathetic, I was 25 years old and could still barely talk to a girl.
“So,” said Nicholas sipping the foamy top of his latte “I’m going to my first round of radiation of Friday,”
“It’ll be okay,” Darcy told him not missing a beat, “It’s not as bad as you think and . . . it helps,”
“I know, I am not looking forward to losing my hair though,”
“Hey, that doesn’t always happen,” Darcy said, taking off his baseball cap and running his hands through his hair. It had thinned but, it hadn’t fallen out.
Suddenly, the front door swung open loudly and a cool breeze jumped in as he walked in. A man dressed in a sharp black tuxedo that clung to his thin frame, wearing a pair of shiny black boots the clacked as he walked into the restaurant. In his right hand he was holding a large red rose and over his face was an eerie black mask that covered his nose and eyes , sitting on top of his dark brown hair that skimmed his shoulders was a black fedora pushed over his forehead.
The 4th person added to our little trio.
Slate slid into the booth behind ours and leaning his back against the wall propped his legs across the booth’s bench putting his legs on the table. He pulled out his iPhone and took one look at the screen before putting it back and staring ahead.
Slate always seemed to have a talent for brooding.
“What the hell are you supposed to be-- the prom date from hell ?” Darcy asked standing up and sitting next to Slate forcing him to move his feet off the table.
“No, dumbass,” Slate retorted as Nick and I followed Darcy to the other booth, “ I’m the Tuxedo Mask,”
“What is that ?” Darcy laughed
I actually knew who it was but , I preferred to remain silent.
“Shut the hell up ,okay,” Slate said pushing Darcy,” I would have been Edward Elric but I—“
“Wait, you mean from Twilight ?” Nick interrupted as Darcy burst into another fit of laughter
“No, “ Slate said, getting annoyed,” Anyway, like I was saying I needed the mask,”
“Oh, that’s right.”Darcy said, “And how did your party crashing go?”
“It’s not crashing if you are invited in,” Slate defended taking the mask off and throwing it at Darcy who caught it and put it on.
“Yeah, right. You used what I am calling the frat house rule,” Darcy said
“What’s that ?” Nick asked
“It’s where they will invite you in, if you bring a keg with you.” Darcy explained
“Well, it wasn’t a keg,” Slate said smartly, “ It was a full cooler on ice and you know what ? Who cares ?”
“So, did you talk to her ?”Nicholas asked
“Did I talk to who ?” Slate said nonchalantly and shoved Darcy out of his seat and climbed out of the booth and made his way over to the counter in the restaurant.
Nick and Darcy could barely look at each other before they burst out laughing.
Slate was a last minute addition to our little group and though he acted like he hated us most of the time he still came around eventually.
Slate was Darcy’s cousin and during a blood test for Darcy he found out he was HIV positive. What sometimes bothered me was how there was no reason for anything that happened to Nick, Dacry and I but, Slate was lucky enough to know at least why this happened to him, to know how. He had never said it out loud but Darcy said Slate used to do a lot of drugs. It had been a few months since he found out but the only people who knew were Darcy, Nicholas and I.
And of course Emily.
Slate’s Ex-girlfriend.
Slate came back with a cup of coffee and slid back in next to Darcy.
“What are you jokes, supposed to be ?” he asked looking at Darcy and Nicholas.
“I decided to be a drag queen—“ Nicholas said
“You decided to be queer on Halloween ? Original.” Slate smirked
“I’m a baseball player but, like Babe Ruth baseball not A-rod and Elias is an elf,”
He shifted his eyes towards me but, went back to his coffee.
Slate hardly ever talked to me unless he had to. For the two of us being left in a room together was probably the epitome of awkward. I think it is because Slate only knows how to deal with things that are threatening him by deflecting them because I don’t threaten him he has no reason to deflect me.
After I finished my coffee, I knew I had to head back so, I said my goodbyes and boarded my train back to New Jersey. It was always kind of a hassle getting back home but the city was like my home too. I worked in the city , my friends where there all the doctors I went to were there. I was saving up to move to be closer to the clinic but, it was taking a lot longer than I thought.
1.3
I made it back to my apartment, picked up the mail and shut the door behind me.
I was home.
I washed my face and took a seat in my overly expensive computer chair (which made up for the price with comfort) , where I felt like I belonged. I started up the computer and my avatar appeared on the screen.
You see I have this big obsession in my life.
World Quest.
It was better than Age of Conan, World of Warcraft or Elf Quest. It was a Massively Multi-Player Online Role Playing Game that recently came out. It had 100 levels , the graphics where mind blowing and I was still trying to get past level 91.
My Avatar’s name is Xinen Green
Xinen because I loved the way X and I make the ‘z’ sound and Green because well, I had my reasons.
As soon as I entered the game I was where I belonged. In My World. I let my fingers fly, I could simultaneously use the keyboard and my mouse. Maybe tonight would be the night I would reach my goal of finishing the game and unlock what was past the basic levels.
When I played I liked to turn of the lights and close the shades in my bedroom , I hardly let anyone in my room to see the posters that covered the wall. The posters were all of characters from previous games. Something about playing the game excited me and more importantly online I was good at something.
I let my mouse hover over Xinen as I met up with my group, when suddenly my hand quivered sending the wireless mouse flying to the ground, knocking over the neat stack of folders I had on my desk. I bent over to pick it up to see only one paper had fallen out of its folder.
It was my latest note from my doctor.
I loved playing my games, they made me forget reality.
If only they were permanent.
